Hello blog readers,
it has been a long time,
ever since my last post.
Sorry.
I started my college life!
It was hard,
totally a different level from high school.
The very first time for me to experience "Stress",
before college,
stress were just a word for me.
It does exist in my vocabulary but i don't really understand it.
But now, in college,
finally i get to experience it.
The day before the test ,
my heart beats faster , hand sweating and i gaps for air.
I never felt this way before, never.
I think this is the first time i took something seriously.
I am currently taking the AUP (American University Program),
at INTI College Subang.
Major : Engineering.
Now i am in my second semester (gonna end soon).
I meet new friends , learning new things everyday.
Life gets busy ever since i entered college ,
Since it was a short semester ,
I need to study almost everyday ,
and the text book was extremely thick and wordy .
I spent my time on my studies ,
which i never done before ,
I take things seriously ,
exploring new things everyday .
I feel alive.
I changed ever since i entered college ,
I am more friendly and a hyperactive person in college.
People calls me Crazy.
I like the new me,
and dislike the old me.
I used to be the quiet one,
stay silent for everything,
every judgement people made,
every time i get bullied,
and also for everything that affects me.
I kept it inside, always.
I am not daring enough to make new friends,
I am not daring enough to fight back,
I am not daring enough to even give my own opinion,
because i was afraid.
I feel i wasn't good enough,
well , everyone does.
But for my case,
I feel i am the worst.
I feel stupid.
I hate myself.
I was living in my own world,
and I don't want to get out of it.
I know it is not right.
But sometimes when you are staying in a old place where the old memories haunted you everyday,
you tend to gets weaker and weaker ,
day by day.
I can't help but feeling hopeless.
I try my best to fight,
I am tired of this feeling.
Why should I be the only one hurting ?
People laugh , while stepping on my pride , as if it was nothing.
I hate it,
I am hurt,
but i could not make a sound.
I know,
I have to prove it.
Instead of fighting back with my words,
I choose action.
I finally i get to leave the old place,
starting my new life in a new environment.
I know things are gonna be fine.
This new place is gonna fix everything up.
I get to act like me, myself , finally.
I am glad that i did not receive any judgement like i did last time.
Fake
Stop acting
Act cute
I feel like slapping you
Stupid
Hippo
Shut up
Bitch
Fat
...
...
...
You never know how much your childish judgement affect me.
I almost think of suicide ..
Stupid.
I know there are more challenge to face in the future,
and my journey should not stop here.
Just keep on going.
:)
I am happy with my new life,
and i hope that i can get to maintain it.
- JinggHuann
xoxo.
